Have you ever played the genie game? The one where you ask each other what would your three wishes be if you found a gennie in a bottle? And you couldn’t wish for more wishes….That thought has crossed my mind today, and aside from the obvious answer of “money” I think I finally figured out what I’d really wish for. I’d wish to be stupid.
Seems absurd, doesn’t it? There is, however, a reason for that. Once I had wished for all the money in the world which, honestly, would solve about 80% of my problems, and a universal citizenship, so I could live wherever I felt like, I can only wish for stupidity. Mind it, I don’t mean being dumb, I mean being stupid. Here’s why: stupid people don’t wonder. They don’t answers and they don’t need meaning. All they need is to fulfil their wishes. And, being granted the first two items on my list, the only thing left for me would me to stop looking for meaning. It’s so exhausting to waste so much of my time trying to find a reason to be. If I could be stupid, all I would need would be pleasure. That would equal happiness instead of this restless internal struggle I constantly seem to find myself stuck in.
I was living in Brazil, surrounded by friends and family, I had my career going. But my heart was across the ocean in the hands of a man who made me feel beautiful, and intelligent, and funny. Felt
Meaningless being away from him. So I spent 8 months working on saving money and setting myself on getting to his arms. I did. I crossed the ocean to a foreign land to find meaning in love.
So I packed a single bag, took all the money I was able to save and I left everything behind. And for months I was his and he was mine and I was contented. I had what I had wished so hard for for so long. But money disappears fast and so I took a few odd jobs to keep me afloat in order to not make myself a burden on this man I love, even if I was much happier taking care of our home than staying out 5 nights every week just to scrape by.
As luck would have it, he has left the country from a couple of weeks, requirement of a new job. Now, I am in a foreign land. Away from my friends, away from my family. My career replaced with a meaningless job that makes me feel undervalued, coming home after midnight every night to an empty bed. Can I help how I feel? No. I’m not stupid enough not to think, not to wonder. I can’t find answers. I can’t find meaning. God, I can’t barely get a full night of sleep. And when he calls me I just want to pretend I’m fine, because I’m trying so hard not to burden him…
So there, that is my wish. I want to be stupid, ignorant. I want to finish my shift and find joy on getting a free gourmet meal and a shot of tequila. I want to get home and be glad the cat likes to sleep in bed with me. I don’t want to end my night wondering why am I settling for less than what I’ve worked so hard for for the last 15 years. I don’t want to get home alone on a Saturday night and be glad I had left a bottle of wine for myself to drink alone in silence. I want to be stupid. I want to be able to feel content with not having a meaning in everything I do. I want to be a pleasure seeker, and nothing more.