Today all day I’ve been taken over by a feeling that I couldn’t quite explain. A sense of abandonment, a solitude that made my skin crawl and my teeth clench in desperation. It stuck with me as I was feeding the cat, folding the laundry, cooking lunch. It followed my footsteps on the sunny streets as I walked to work like a shadow playfully hiding in the darkness. I was disturbing and it was painful. It was completely unknown to me.I tried to follow my day as usual, ignoring this dark cloud surrounding me, but it seems the universe was determined to conspire on behalf of my misery which, contrary to popular belief, was not very fond of company today, keeping me alone and isolated through the long hours that followed. As I worked my shift, a parade of drunken men seemed to enjoy bothering me over and over again, knowing fully well I could not respond in the way I wished. On the five minutes I have to myself in these long hours of watching other people have fun, even my one phone call wasn’t picked up. Not a single familiar voice to warm my heart. Thank god for my employer who could see through my fake smiles and offered me two shots of tequila as I packed my thing to leave at the end of the night. It lasted five seconds, but the warmth of the alcohol sliding down my throats was the most welcoming moment I had since this feeling took over everything that o am. But as soon as I walked through the front door and the cold wind hit me in the face, I was back where I started. Even worse – I recognised what I felt at last!
Homeless. I felt homeless.
Unwelcome in the place where I lay my head. An unwanted intruder into someone else’s life. A footnote in someone else’s history… I felt rejected by the place I usually long for when I start my 90 minutes journey to a bed that, today, does not feel like mine. I had never felt such an intense sense of loneliness as I do right now, sitting alone on an empty double decker bus with some tips in my wallet and an intense desire to down the rest of that tequila bottle. I don’t think I’ve ever known this sort of sadness before and I have never wished for something to pass so hard as I do right now.