I feel off. The last couple of days have been so strange I simply don’t feel like myself for most part of them. In some strange way, it is like the planet has shifted ever so slightly from its axis, just enough so tides can flow higher along the shores, something that seems subtle, but is the greater scheme of things actually changes everything.These last few days have been specifically filled with ups and downs. In one hand, having the man you love tell you getting home to you is his favourite part of his day is so heartwarming that makes the rest seem silly but, when you’re on the street, hit with a wind so cold your skin begins to burn and the kid you’re nannying for is screaming at you for no reason while you’re making 1/3 a day of what you used to make an hour, sometimes it feels like you’re not gonna survive all the changes that you’ve done to your life in the last few months.j
Yes, it’s hard. I go through so many emotions every day that when he asks me how I’m feeling I am too overwhelmed to manage an actual answer. Am I happy? As a general rule, yes! I have taken a chance, risked so much to try this and when I lay my head on our pillow with his arms around me I feel absolutely content. When I wake up in the morning to make him a cup of coffee or simply wish him a good day my heart flutters with joy. I am happy. But happiness is not a constant, no. Those five hours I’m out in the cold doing this job I hate for mere change I am devastated. There are nights I need to hold myself from crying as I travel back home on the overcrowded train surrounded by strangers. It is only when I’m back in the warm embrace of our flat that I feel like myself again, the good humoured me that he has come to know and love.
But I keep reminding myself that o had known from the start it would be like this. I can get a proper job for the time being, so if I don’t wish to be a financial burden on our relationship, I have to face the music, even if I am well aware that I am racing against the clock on this, that in the next month we will have bigger decisions to face. It was the challenge I chose for myself when I decided to pursue this crazy adventure.
Yes, I am happy. I am also frustrated, preoccupied, worried, scared and in love. I am a lot of things and, for the time being, I’ll have to fit all those versions of me into one single brain and one single heart. And I’ll have to deal with it.